Chula Vista residents Lindsey and Joan Deaton have been married 43 years and have two grown daughters. During most of their marriage Lindsey was known as Bruce, Joan’s husband and the girls’ father.
However, in 2013 — after 34 years of marriage — Bruce was no more.
“There really was never Bruce,” Lindsey explained. “I discovered who I truly was.”
At first, there was a period of adjustment. Their daughters thought it was temporary. “One relative asked if I planned to stay with ‘it,’” Joan recalled.
After initial trepidation, Joan fully accepted Lindsey’s transition.
“Lindsey is the same person I married, but much happier,” Joan said. “Our love is very strong, and I was not willing to give it up.”
Their daughters and other relatives — including the one who referred to Lindsey as “it” — now love and affirm her.
Born in 1955, Lindsey was raised in San Diego along with two younger sisters.
“From my earliest memories I played with dolls,” Lindsey said. “My mother caught me putting on make-up when I was 7 and said, ‘Bruce Lindsey Deaton, that’s queer’ and slapped my hands.”
A constant in Lindsey’s life has been music, beginning with piano at 6. She played trumpet in Patrick Henry High School’s marching band.
During high school she was lead singer in a rock band. She had long hair, an earring and often dressed in tight and colorful clothing similar to David Bowie, who was among her idols.
“Some people thought I was gay because I wore feminine clothes, but I wasn’t,” Lindsey explained. “I just felt better in them.”
By 1976, Lindsey had changed from rock to classical, learned classical guitar and was attending San Diego State seeking a music degree.
Joan and Lindsey were then dating. While sitting in the audience at the symphony, Lindsey turned to Joan, pointed to the conductor and whispered, “I want to do that.”
And she did.
After graduating college, she earned a master’s in chorus and orchestra conducting from Carnegie Mellon University and then studied at the world-renowned Juilliard School in New York City.
Lindsey became nationally known while conducting the Louisville Orchestra and the Hudson Valley Philharmonic in New York. She guest-conducted throughout the country, including the San Francisco Ballet and Aspen Music Festival.
She spent 14 years working for the Catholic Church touring as a prominent musician and motivator at rallies. “I did music at countless Masses, often with an archbishop presiding.”
“I had difficulty as a Catholic artist, not because of the message or professionalism, but the manner in which I presented myself,” recalled Lindsay, noting she pushed the boundaries with long hair and clothing such as kilts.
All the while, Lindsey was known as Bruce. But something was missing, she had panic attacks and was unhappy.
Things changed in 2011, when Lindsey, then 56, wore female clothes to a masquerade party. “I felt normal wearing women’s clothing.”
“The act of putting on those clothes opened up the thought of who she was,” Joan added.
Lindsey and Joan sought answers through therapy, attending groups and going places together with Lindsey in female clothes.
“I was trying to figure out what my life-long pull toward being a woman was,” Lindsey said.
They first learned about transgender in 2012. By 2013, Lindsey had received psychological and medical help and began her transition.
Shortly thereafter the Catholic Church fired her.
“I had no job, and we lost our home to foreclosure,” Lindsey said. “It was tough, but for the first time I felt comfortable in my own skin.”
Since transitioning, Lindsey has remained in the music world founding transgender choirs in Cincinnati, Los Angeles and San Diego.
She has also created a play about 12 transgender people that will soon open in the Los Angeles area.
Notwithstanding politics and caricatures, transgender is about real people like Lindsey Deaton who struggled much of her life with discovering herself.
Today, Lindsey and Joan express their abiding love for each other and contentment knowing that Lindsey is free to be who she is.
About this series
Goldsmith is an emeritus member of the U-T’s Community Advisory Board. He is a former law partner, judge, state legislator, adjunct law professor, San Diego city attorney and Poway mayor.
Someone San Diego Should Know is a column written by and past of the U-T’s Community Advisory Board about local people who are interesting and noteworthy because of their experiences, achievements, creativity or credentials.
