Kakaiya, Ph.D., is an integrative psychologist and neuro practitioner who practices in Sorrento Valley. She lives in 4S Ranch.
As a psychologist and neuroscientist whose primary non-medication treatment method is neuro, the headlines we keep reading about the mental health of our children can feel very disheartening and overwhelming. This article is primarily going to be focused on tiny, yet very significant things that families can do to build resilience back into our children and teens.
On Dec. 7, when Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory on the mental health crisis among our children, it spurred me into action about the need to give hope to families. This recognition at the highest level was needed to underscore the importance of this issue.
Murthy gave six strong recommendations that can be read on the HHS website. What was disturbingly missing was the powerful role that social media is playing in the declining mental health of our teens. He cited all statistics that are relevant to the increased rates of depression and suicidality in the last decade, yet did not make the connection to iPhones and excessive gaming. The soup of digital media addiction is a separate pandemic that is directly affecting the brain health of our preteens and teens. Youth programs can play a very significant role in creating a community of in real life. This is the experience that teens need in order to feel connected and have a real sense of belongingness.
Teens and children need groups that allow them to feel connected and diffuse the tension they feel as they are bombarded with social media demands.
Youth groups such as Girl Scouts, TVIA (Teen Volunteers in Action), NCL (National Charity League), Boy Scouts, Kids Korps, Boys and Girls Club of America, David’s Harp, So Say We All, United Women of East Africa and various programs with the YMCA all have been strong fertile grounds for children and teens to be connected and continue to feel the camaraderie of a shared experience. This allows them to feel less isolated and have a sense of purpose. Feeling a part of an actual community where you are giving back is one of the strongest antidotes to depression. Girl Scouts San Diego has badges that are targeted to emotional literacy and increasing resilience. When girls work on these together, it helps them develop bonding, sisterhood and a deep feeling of connection that lasts a lifetime.
The contaminating factor with social media has made our youth extremely fragile. The sad fact is that parents are not raising their children, social media is. Today’s teens do not know how to navigate conflict and have experiences at conflict resolution in person. They can have huge disagreements over texts and have not been taught the skill sets of how to charter the waters of conflict.
Instagram, Snapchat and TikTok do not allow for failures — they only demand perfection. Failure is an essential steppingstone to success.
Here are a few tips where we parents can be active mentors for our children:
– Teach them to grow a thick skin. This is going to be the most important ingredient for them if they are going to be in the social media world.
– They should ditch the desire for comfort and step into growing pains. Teach them to be OK with the edge of their emotional pain and the importance of learning from uncomfortable feelings.
– Teach them to postpone immediate gratification for long-term goals.
– When they are struggling, remind them about past times when they overcame obstacles and remind them about how they got stronger as a result of that hard knock (this helps them not be a victim to their lives). This is grit.
– that their self-doubts can sabotage them a lot. Teach them to be critical thinkers about how social media may be making them question themselves and doubt themselves.
– Teach them how to have positive self-talk. If they shame themselves or put themselves down, teach them how to be kind to themselves and develop an internal language of self-comion.
– Teach your children the power of emotional expression and especially how to be vulnerable. Social media is making them fearful about appearing imperfect in any way. All feelings should be given permission to be expressed and we need to teach our children that expression of “good” feelings is just as important as expression of “uncomfortable” feelings.
Many teens are so emotionally crippled that they do not know how to have tolerance for distress.
Parents — you have these skills. Teach them to your children so that Instagram and TikTok don’t raise them.
